The First Step

Hello friends, family, and loved ones.... It has definitely been some time.

I'm writing this to tell you there is bad news, but for so long I wasn't really sure how to say it out loud. So I'll take a stab in the dark and bare my soul here, because it seems easier. Hiding behind my words has always been a strength, and I'll use that to my advantage.

I am sad. I have been for some time. I thought maybe the news was bringing me down, or even the ridiculous amount of rain we've had this summer. Really, it's none of these things, and it was never any of these things. I'm deflecting, and I have been, but being honest with yourself is just as hard as being honest with a loved one.

I am depressed. I don't know when, and I don't know how it came along, but it's here. I can see all the signs in myself, loss of sleep and appetite, the unwillingness to do ANYTHING with ANYONE. I don't want to leave my house to walk my dogs, let along go into work and deal with morons all day long. The exhaustion I feel is unreal, and when I look at everything I do I just see failure. I close the door on myself every time I turn around, and now here I am trapped in a corridor with opportunity inches from my grasp and I'm just standing there squandering it. How do I pull myself up? How do I guide myself back into the light? Almost every day I come home and cry. I cry over nothing, because there is nothing to be sad about. I just got married, and I just graduated college. I have my whole life ahead of me, but why do I feel like I'm drowning?

For those of you who are worried there is trouble in paradise, I will say my husband has been the most important thing for my recovery. The willingness to be strong for me is something that makes me swoon every day. When I look into his eyes I can see his heart breaking, because he cannot stand to see me this way. It takes love and courage to grab cradle someone's face in your hands, and beg them to get the help they so desperately need. He did that for me, and there are no words to describe the swell of my heart in those moments. He jokes often about how I am the better half, and how it's not fair for the better half to be so disparaged. This is the bitter-sweet aspect of the mind space I'm in. It truly showed me why I said 'I do' to the person I did. I do not deserve someone so kind.

So, for now, that's all I have to say. I'm sorry for my disinterest. It takes a lot out of someone to admit there is a problem, but I'm getting help.

Until next time.